Week of October 15: The Greatest Invention Ever

After months of impatiently waiting and counting down the days, Monday finally arrived... my annual deep dental cleaning appointment with my periodontist, Dr. Wiesen. Happy-happy, joy-joy! So while my dental hygienist scaled, scrapped and buffed my teeth and gum, I decided to enjoy this nirvana experience by humming to the song of Amboy Dukes and taking a Journey to the Center of the Mind. Shutting out the world of pain that I was in, I began to ponder about a question that I have often posed to my friends (usually during a long car ride to or from backpacking). What is THE greatest invention ever? I believe I have the definitive answer.

The usual responses I get are generally good ones.

• The steam engine: a little toy, known as aeolipile, invented by the Greeks in the 1st century AD. A good invention. But is it the greatest ever? Isn't the steam engine responsible for the industrial revolution and all of the death and destruction associated with it (although we can also argue that it has created a better society by replacing manual labor with industrial machines)?


• Electricity: from Benjamin Franklin to Thomas Edison to Nikola Tesla to Enron, the ability to produce and deliver electricity is at best, a great example of technological advancement/evolution and ingenuity. It's not really an "invention".


• The printing press? Television? Computers?

I sincerely respect all these responses and the people who believe them to be the greatest. I really do. But they are wrong. Anyone with half a brain will agree with me that the greatest invention ever is SOAP! That's right, CH3(CH2)16COONa! Did I just blow your mind? I did, didn't I? There is no denying it. If you have any doubts to the credibility of my definitive analysis, here is a simple test you can perform. Step 1: Go out and get your hands dirty... real dirty. Mud, grease, buffalo wing sauce, etc. Step 2: simply wash your hands with cold water. Wash them good. Pat dry. Still a little dirty? Step 3: wash hands again. This time in warm water. More dirt will come off. Pat dry. Pretty clean by now, right? But would you operate on a sick person or deliver a baby with those hands? That's what people who didn't believe in the wondrous magical power of soap used to do. Step 4: wash your hands again (warm water for best result). This time with soap, rubbing your hands into a lather for at least 20 seconds. Rinse. See all that gunk? Pat dry with a clean towel. Now you're ready for more buffalo wings!

Flu season is approaching. Washing your hands frequently with soap is one of the best ways to prevent yourself from catching a cold/flu and to avoid spreading it to others. This is my absurd way of telling you that Andrea and I had an uneventful week (for once) and to do my part in public service. And by the way, I actually do believe that soap is the greatest invention ever! No one has been able to make a convincing case for other inventions to bump soap off as #1 in my book. Please feel free to add your 2 cents with your comments. I'd be very interested to see what people think as the greatest invention ever.

Side Note

I'm also a big fan of Windex (and I consider it to be a subspecies of soap). Much like Gus Portokalos in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I have found Windex to be very useful for other remedies besides cleaning dirty windows. Recently, I have discovered that Windex is awesome for killing bugs, especially mosquitoes (spiders and moths too). As many of you may already know, I hate mosquitoes and mosquitoes hate me... actually mosquitoes love me. I could be in the center of a circle of 50 naked people at the south pole and a mosquito would seek and bite me. We have bug screens on all our windows and the front door and somehow, mosquitoes would sneak-in to attack me at 2 AM in the morning, taunting me by buzzing my ear and leaving a trail of itchy swollen welts, while my wife sleeps sound asleep untouched right next to me. It was on one of these nights when I got even and took it to the mosquitoes. One spray of Windex (as we don't really believe in toxic pesticides... more harm than good) was all it took to immobilize a mosquito in mid air and send it into a free fall right onto the floor. The mosquito was still alive. It was just unable to fly as the magical Windex had rendered its wings useless for flight. At that point, I took huge pride and satisfaction in crushing the vile pest into a pulp. And yes, we do have the Costco 5 pack strategically placed individually throughout the house.

If you have other creative uses for Windex (who doesn't?), please share them with me by way of comments.